its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
