I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
