hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
