Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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