im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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