apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
