It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
