I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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