Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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