its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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