i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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