4 words: hood of his car
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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