My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
