The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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