In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
