Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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