You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
