Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
