my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
