Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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