Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
