I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
