You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
