Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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