I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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