If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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