I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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