it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
