if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
