Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
