Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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