She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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