I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
