4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
