How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
