you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
