You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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