just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So gin and wine won't be happening again
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
