Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My dick has a subreddit
I think i got beer on your cat.
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