I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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