how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
