I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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