i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
