my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
