I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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