i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
