its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize