I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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