i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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