you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
