Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
