I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
