In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
