Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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