I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
