This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
