i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
