Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize