i just had sex bonerless
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
