i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
