and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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