I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
