Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(626): View more from California

I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(815): View more from Illinois

I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(563): View more from Iowa

smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.

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