she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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